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 Kageyoshi

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Butterfly

Butterfly

Posts : 453
Join date : 2013-08-06
Age : 20
Location : ....Equestria

Kageyoshi  Empty
PostSubject: Re: Kageyoshi    Kageyoshi  EmptyTue Nov 19, 2013 10:50 pm

-for the love of god capitalize the beginnings of your sentences!
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Quote :
 he is to young to truly understand romanticizes, but when he comes across a girl he like, whether he wants to or not.
sentence doesn't end

-
Quote :
some money. 
 This doesn't make any sense. Especially if the man knew it was a Devil's Fruit, it shouldn't have been "some money" Devil's Fruits sell for around 100,000,000 beli. 

-Tell more about his parents, why they kicked him out, why he wants them dead etc

-
Quote :
 use his ability's to steal.
besides the huge grammar mistake in this, explain how he used it. It doesn't make sense to just say "he used his ability to steal" 

-
Quote :
in-antiquate
should be spelled inadequate 


Quote :
 rich, old sword fighter
How did he steal from this guy so easily? 

-There's nothing in the history for his reasoning to be a ninja or developing his skills in kunai, shuriken or the sword. Nothing about the martial arts either. It is also to OP to have your OC "master" an ability like that when they first start out, plus he's only 13, so it makes zero sense for him to have a skill mastered already 

-there's also nothing of him finding his weapons beside the sword

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Quote :
He uses Ninja wire
Ninja wire? There's also no mention of this in the history or skills

Quote :
he makes 3 of himself,
This doesn't make sense as he can only make 2 clones in the dormant level.  

Quote :
Sword, Kunai, Shuriken, Smoke bombs, Ninja wire, food, a climbing hook and a grappling hook
there's nothing of the smoke bombs, climbing hooks or grappling hooks in the history either. 

All in all, not a very well rounded character, just sayin :/

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Butterfly

Butterfly

Posts : 453
Join date : 2013-08-06
Age : 20
Location : ....Equestria

Kageyoshi  Empty
PostSubject: Re: Kageyoshi    Kageyoshi  EmptySat Nov 23, 2013 11:01 pm

Fine, I suppose it is approvable now, despite the many grammar and spelling errors. Approved

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